TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically recognized for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely away from spot. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Sure, positive, let's have An additional place exactly where American Guys can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: present Everybody a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate energy," said political strategist Trump Tower Damascus Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he really should halt applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the job, replied, "You are aware of, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after obtaining the building's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not only hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by guests might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting focus from Worldwide traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even involve:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge where by my PTSD can have convert-down services."


Yet another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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